Thursday, March 18, 2010

Still Here?

I thought I'd drop by to see how many followers I've lost and I've actually GAINED them!  I mean, that's like losing weight after you STOP going to the gym, right? 

My work has kept me swamped lately, and I'm still blowing off my college classes.  I really need to stop THAT!  But anyway, here I am.

Today I read that some woman from New Jersey WANTS to be the world's fattest woman.  Now, the above is NOT a picture of her...This woman is thin compared to THIS woman!!!  I guess you gotta say, "Well, at least she has goals!" But who the fuck wants to weight 1000 pounds???  Sheesh!  Most women I know freak if they gain 10 pounds over ten years...This chick wants to gain 400 pounds in two years!!  That's me, my husband and Prodigal combined!!  Fuck!!  I can't even imagine.  And her husband is "supportive" of this.  Well, duh!!  She's gets assloads of money for being fat, she dies, he gets assloads of money off their story and finds himself a normal chick.  What's not to be supportive of??

Anyway, moving on...I have decided that God has a great sense of humor when it comes to me and my commute.  You know how I just ADORE those fucking Honda Prius' right?  I mean, I just want to run right over one!  So this morning, I am on time.  To the minute.  Drop Middle off at school and I'm at the first stoplight at 0630. Perfect.  Until the line of cars in front of me decide to wait until the light turns red.  WTF?  I'm not happy but not honking because I'm like four cars from the front.  And of course, there was a silver Prius in front of me.  I, however, did not know that Prius' came in any color other than baby fucking blue.  OK, I digress.

I'm driving in a 50 zone doing 35 because well, I'm behind a Prius.  Can't pass, two lane road with double yellow lines.  ANYway...As we round a corner, I look ahead and fuck me!!  ANOTHER silver Prius!!  OMFG, I'm never going to get to work.  I check the clock, I'm actually already five minutes behind schedule.  If you live anywhere near DC, you know that can deal a death blow to your commute.  So, we're almost to the freeway and we hit the four lane stretch.  I floor my Jeep to pass and Lo and Behold!!  Not one, not two but THREE silver Prius' were in front of me...Holy fucksticks!!  I'm not kidding.  I was totally overwhelmed.  I started shaking.  I was white knuckled on the steering wheel trying to get around them!  What was happening in my world?????  Where is God??  My God, my God, why has thou left me alone surrounded by these cars??  What did I do to the Toyota gods to anger them????  Holy shit!!  Is the world ending?  What is that ringing?  Do I have a tumor?? 

You know how kids hate clowns?  I mean, some are paralyzed by them?  That's me with the Prius.  They freak me out. They're not natural.  They LOOK like they belong on the road but there is something not quite right.  They don't make any noise.  They can't do the speed limit.  They look like big metal insects without legs.  I really expect them to turn into some tree-hugging Transformer.....

To top it off, as I was getting onto the freeway there was another one.  AND another.  Then, I had one cut me off!

By the time I pulled into my parking lot, I was shaking.  I was looking nervously around to see if I was being followed by a line Prius cars.  I cruised the parking lot, looking for an empty space between two manly man trucks to park in between.  Obviously, I need protection from these cars.  They are seriously out to get me.  I gotta get my Prius chi aligned.  What kind of sacrifice do you make to the Prius god?  Like, face east and bury a battery??? 

Anyway, I'm about to get off of work and drive an hour home.  I need to calm my nerves now and gird my loins not only for the commute but the possibility that I will wind up in a Prius parade. 


As for the rest of you, I leave you with the cake topper I want on my next wedding or anniversary cake, whichever comes first.  I've never had a cool topper like this one! 
This is sheer genius.....

7 comments:

Aunt Becky said...

Bwahahaha! I REQUIRE THAT MEAT CURTAIN. I REALLY DO.

Southern Sage said...

Since I have the beef I should be behind that curtain!!!!

GunDiva said...

I hate PRII (isn't that the plural of Prius?). My son took one out for you a year ago. The damn no-noise car hit my 87.5# child AND HE TOTALLED IT. Broke my kid's arm, but TOTALLED the Prius. Don't be afraid - just throw your heaviest child at them and chuck another one off the road :)

Secretia said...

The cake-topper groom doesn't know, that's the last time for him!

All the Prius stories, I know what you mean.

That thousand pound wannabe woman--what a fuckin asshole she is.

Secretia

Janie Woods said...

GunDiva, sorry about your kid but you cracked me up the kid-tossing comment!!

Secretia, I know, right?

Barefoot Dreamer said...

worlds fattest woman? *shaking my head. ugghhhhh

J.R. Reed said...

I went to St. Catherine's, Ontario a couple weeks ago and saw a band called Beef Curtains. They were OK. The first couple pics left me feeling less than horny, but the cake topper one was off the hook. If I ever get married again (IF) I totally want a cake topper like that!