Friday, November 25, 2016

Sperm Smoothies?? The World is a Strange Place

Do you remember a few years ago, when I wrote about things women do for beauty? Well, if you're new around here, or it's just been so long that you don't remember me, you can refresh yourself here. Looking, I can't believe I wrote that post nearly six years ago. Where has the time gone? Well, I'll tell you, it's gone pretty damn fast. But, it could be because I'm not drinking enough sperm smoothies!!

I'm not kidding. A model came out recently and announced that the best anti-aging superfood she's found is, you guessed it, SPERM. Listen, I know it's loaded with protein. I get it. I've even had guys try to convince me that if I want to keep my skin silky smooth and wrinkle-free, I should get sperm facials...(ba dum bum)

HOWEVER, it has never crossed my mind to have a friend masturbate and save his sperm for me to put into my morning shake. I'm not sure it would go with kale, and I would actually be concerned that the ginger in my ginger carrot juice would destroy all those healthy properties! But she swears by it, and I have to admit, she IS a model and "fitness guru." She also says that drinking sperm wards off illnesses like the flu, gives her tons of energy and keeps her very, very happy.

Oh, the places I could go with this. Let's start with the very, very happy and work backward. Well, in MY experience, when I had a "sperm smoothie," I wasn't the only one that was "very, very happy" but I was the only one that had tons of energy after. I will admit, I was sick a lot less when I was a couple, so there may be something to that.

And then there's this: "In addition to drinking her daily sperm smoothie, Tracy Kiss reportedly advocates for the use of semen face masks in order to hydrate the skin and fight conditions like rosacea." So, maybe those guys were right? My skin would have been more hydrated!!

But I am confused. While this proves that she does indeed swallow, I personally think it would be more beneficial to both sides to do it the old fashioned way, you know--get the milk straight outta the cow, but she swears she's a vegan so doesn't that mean she won't eat ANY animal protein? Can someone clarify that for me? Just curious.

Also, I really am curious as to how that conversation happens:
Her: You know, you really are my best friend..
Him: I would do anything for you (while secretly hoping to be out of the friend zone)
Her: I would really love to taste your sperm...
Him: (secretly fist pumping on the inside)  Oh, yeah??? Well, ummmm, anytime!!
Her: Great! Can you  jack off daily and put it in a cup so I can use it in my smoothies??'
Him: Uhhhhhhhh.....sure

Talk about PERMANENT friend zone!! Holy shit!!!

As for me, I'm not running out anytime soon and buying dehydrated sperm to throw in my morning shake before my boot camp, so no rush with the explanation.

It does seem you can buy it straight off the shelves, though, so maybe there's some mad marketing genius at a local sperm bank. Italian, anyone?

On another note, yesterday was Thanksgiving. Spent it at home in Savannah. Didn't go to the Low Country this trip. Maybe someday I'll make it back there. Christmas is coming, which means I need to write about crazy shit people are buying, or could buy, for Christmas. Next week, the Little Man (who's not so little anymore at 5'8 and 160lbs) and I will be in Green Bay for the game against the Texans.

But what's most important about this blog? I'm back, bitches. I've said that a 100 times before, but this time? I mean it. I deleted about 50 posts in the past two years, but I won't be deleting any more. These are my thoughts...

So, I will return more frequently. I lost my desire to write a couple years ago..I didn't see much humor in anything around me--depression and addiction will do that to a person, so will a broken heart. But, I'm finding reasons to laugh more, drink less, and be happy with what I have and where I am in life. I'm going to be a Nonna soon to a baby girl (yeah, a girl...I know..The woman in a houseful of men..Yikes) and I'm starting to get excited about it. She may wear a tutu, but she's gonna wear that bitch while playing rugby...

So, I will leave you all with this and I'll see you when I get back from the Frozen Tundra...Maybe even while I'm there...

Merry Christmas, Mac....

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Hey!! *knocking* Anybody home?

Holy cow!! I haven't been able to access my blog in months, then BAM! I'm in! I don't know how I did it!!

I've been meaning to come back and start writing again. I'm kinda getting better, although I do have my moments. I told Mac that I've been an emotional terrorist the last 18 months or so. How he's put up with it, I have no idea...but he has. Not that it's been easy, we've spent the last 10 months breaking up every other day, but we're still holding on.

I graduated culinary school in September, yay!! Got a new job closer to home on a team I love, and I have my first catering gig in two weeks! Mac has a great idea for a book, and since I write for work, he thinks it's a story I can tell. I think the idea is AWESOME (look who thought it up, of course it is..) and I've started on a few ideas. Nope, can't tell ya! No kibitzing!

So, I have a new cat named Oz. Oz the great and powerful. Named appropriately. This is his first Christmas and he has already learned he can launch himself from the baby grand into the Christmas tree. He also enjoys playing the piano, but the other day he pulled the lid down onto one of his paws. He limped around for a while after that, but seems fine now!

Anyhow, just wanted to say I'm baaaaaacccccccckkkkk. Kids are good, pets are insane, Mac is awesome, and I'm, eh, I'm me.

I'll be back before Christmas. Now that I think I know how I got logged in, I can visit more often.

Until then, folks:

I think I know this guy....

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

New Beginnings

Hello, my friends..I have had a helluva year.  Now I'm sorry I've gotten so serious on here..Stress will do that.

I keep telling myself every weekend, I need to write!  I need to blog about that!! Then, I just see too many shiny objects and get distracted.  Now however, I've got some time on my hands at work, yes work, so I'm here to catch y'all up before I get back to my humorous self.

So, last you knew I was bottoming out.  And I did.  Boy, did I EVER bottom out.  I was out of work for nearly five months, which really sucked!! However, I did work part time installing insulation--my personal trainer hooked me up.  I actually enjoyed the work, believe it or not.  Working on a construction site, dragging 3k feet of hose through the buildings all day.  It was dirty, hot, sweaty work and I loved every minute of it.  If it had been more regular and paid better, I probably would have enjoyed staying with it! But it was only part time, eight hours here or there.  It did well to bridge the gap, though.

So in November, I got picked back up for government contracting.  Being laid off before an election, as a contractor, in this, the timing sucked. But, I'm back at the nameless agency, designing training.  I love it, but my daily commute is 180 miles round trip. That includes going to school full-time after work. My days are long, but they are filled.  The good news is, I've been picked up for ANOTHER job, straight stick civilian.  No government contract, no worries about sequestration and losing money AND it's only 29 miles from home.

Wait, did she say school?  Why yes, yes I did.  While I was laid off and sinking further and further into depression, my Mac said to me, "Maybe it's time you do what you love to do.  You've talked about opening your own cafe, maybe that's what you're supposed to do now." I thought about it, actually thought he might be a little crazy but more right than not.  So, one day, while I was job searching, a pop-up for a culinary arts school appeared. I looked at it and thought, "Mac's right! Now's the time for me to make the dive." I enrolled in the school, full-time.  The next day, I got picked up for my job.  I called Mac and said, "What do I do?" He said, "You'll do the responsible thing.  Single mothers work and go to school full time all the time..I know you can handle it."

So, that's what I do.  I leave for work around 0615, get to work around 0800, leave work at 1630, school is 75 miles from the job so I get there at the mercy of traffic, and then I get home around 2300 each night. My brother David thinks my business plan is a great idea, he's sent me a book recently on how to successfully launch and manage a food truck (I want to start there before going brick and mortar).  Mac, as usual, has been my stalwart cheerleader through all of this.  That's just how he is, though.  We've had an extremely rough time these past six months or so.  It's me, mostly..the stress and strain of my things and being so far away from him.  I'm still trying to salvage my house.  I had mediation last week, they are going to try and give me a modification again. That was a relief, but with the missed payments, legal fees, late penalties and interest, I still feel like I'm drowning.  I do believe, however, that there is a greater plan and what will be, will be.  I'm also back to studying for my personal trainer certification and I've slowly started running again.  I need to pick that up since my first half marathon this year is in May.

So, life goes on!  I'm top of my class in culinary, my boss is very upset that I'm leaving this job since I've introduced what they call "visionary learning plans" here.  I'm trying to change the way this agency, and hopefully the government someday, does training.  My only regret is that I won't be here to see the project from cradle to grave..I've just seen it from cradle to crawling.

Oh, and the biggest irony about all this??  The new job is designing financial training...As a contractor...For the bank that holds my note. Yes, God doth have a sense of humor.

So, I'm going to try and be back here more often.  I know, I know, I say that all the time..But this time? I mean it.

So, welcome back my friends, if you're still with me...I ain't dead yet!!  And I'll leave you with this:

Well, I'd be scared....

Later, folks!

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Unemployment, Foreclosure and a New Perspective

Yep, you read that right:  Unemployed and under foreclosure.  It's been a wild ride this past year, trust me.  I realized today that four years ago, I retired from the Navy two weeks from today.  Since that day, I have held amazing jobs:  I was an executive assistant to a Presidential appointee; I was the Lead Special Events Coordinator for the Pentagon; I was a curriculum developer for the FBI.  All amazing.  I was never more than 24 hours without a job.  I only looked for the first one, the rest of them found me. 

That was then, this is now.

In May, my fabulous company had to lay me off.  It was with tears on both sides that I left, but there was nothing either of us could do.  A day later, I was offered a position with another company.  More money, working from home (supposedly), a dream job.  I was very excited to take the job!  My boss was actually 200 miles away, we only spoke by phone.  When she came to the office for a face to face, I knew the job was short lived.  We were both too strong to work together.  Things happened and six weeks later, my contract was terminated. 

I completely stressed out. Already under threat of foreclosure, the end now seemed inevitable.  It was over.  All was lost.  It was all gone.  I put my house on market and lost my mind for two weeks.  This is *me* for God's sake!  The woman who ran flight decks for eight different squadrons.  The woman who could do anything!!  "You are the strongest woman I've ever known" was the resounding theme on my Facebook.

But to me?  I was a loser.  I had lost everything.  I tied Mac to a post and blocked his ears.  I railed against him.  I railed against God.  "Why me?" I sobbed.  "I've tried so hard! I've prayed to you! I've done everything I know how to do!  Why is it that everyone that has ever hurt me gets happy and I lose?"  I screamed at Mac.  I screamed at God. I cried.  I sobbed.  I went into total self-pity mode.  I knew all my frenemies were happy at my loss, all my enemies squealed with glee and my friends?  My friends stood strong but helpless.

Then the bottom fell out.  I lost my faith.  The irony is, I was with my ex mother-in-law and heard a wonderful sermon that was really written for me.  I came out of the church renewed with faith.  Then I came back to Maryland and my faith faltered.  I took it out on Mac, who felt I was mocking his faith.  I wasn't mocking it, I was trying to understand it.  How do you turn it over?  How do you just "believe" when it seems everything you worked so hard for is ripped away?  What's the lesson?

Then today happened.  My friend has an insulation business.  Last week, he offered me part time work, $12 an hour.  Hey, it's work, right? 

Here I am,  a woman that made $123k a year on her own, just to lose everything.  As I was sweeping down insulation, vacuuming it up, bagging it, pulling 100's of feet of hose through luxury apartments that are under construction, the only woman on a construction site of 100 men, it hit.  Mac is right.  My "things" don't matter.  I bought this house as a "start over".  We see how well that worked.  I now get to work with my oldest everyday, learning new things about him. We talk, we laugh, we spend time for the first time.  I was gone most of his life.  Now we drive together, work together, relate to each other.  It has renewed us.  It also worked out as a full-time job for him (ah, to be young).

When I got laid off, my older boys said, "Mom, it's time you run away to home.  Pack your shit and move to South Carolina.  It's the only place we've ever seen you truly happy--aside from your jets, that is." For 22 years, my dream has been move to Savannah or the Low Country.  God has now provided me the opportunity. 

So, I am faced with selling my house for nearly $100K less than I paid.  My bank account is screaming and I still worry about tomorrow.  But it's only tomorrow I worry about now.  Mac told me, "You are looking too far ahead.  You need to worry about today, not six months from now.  Today.."  Well, I've taken that down to tomorrow.  Feels like progress to me!!

Bottom line is, I am a blue-collar chick that was burned out in the white collar world.  I enjoy working with men in a physical environment everyday again.  I enjoy the "no competition" attitude.  Just get it done so we can go home!! 

Middle's Godfather said to me, "You know how proud I am of you?  You lose  your job and you go out and do 'grunt work' instead of pissing and moaning about.  You are the strongest woman I've ever known." 

Mac said, "You, my love, are not a loser.  You are so very strong, so very smart, so very giving.  This is just something that happened.  I know you, you'll succeed. You live somewhere that you constantly pour yourself out and you never get refilled. Your soul is dying there." (That's actually a conglomeration of everything he's said the past year.)

So, everything *does* happen for a reason.  I don't *need* a house on the water, I don't need a four hour commute everyday.  I don't need to make over $100K a year just to struggle.

I need my faith, I need my sons, I need the Low Country.  I need to be in the one place where my soul is refilled when I pour myself out.  Where my faith is strong in God, where even strangers are friends, where everyone feels like family. 

So, I  have my  personal trainer exam on the 16th, I have an interview to be an online fitness coach tomorrow, and I have more work on the construction site on Thursday.

Life is good...

I'll leave you with this:

What the fuck is it sitting on??