How to be a BIB (Big, Important Blogger)

So, while I'm working my ass off tweeting today, I was pulled into this tweeting hell with two AWESOME folks, Potty Mouth and Badnabes.  Now, I will tell you, they are BIG, IMPORTANT BLOGGERS!  How do I know this?  If you even start to type the names of their blogs in Google, they show up first.  Oh how I want to be like them!!  So, I decided to ask their secret. 

Now, I would like to point out that the first rule of becoming a BIB is NOT to ask other bloggers their secrets.  I was stunned that they agreed to throw me a crumb.  But, they did.  Just a crumb.  But that was after much cyberstalking on my part.  I mean, they both ignored me! Ah, let me guess...

Rule #2:  Ignore.  I have discovered that I'm just too damn friendly!  Now, there are those BIBs that are phenomenal and respond like Sage and Holly who respond to my comments, just to name two people off the top of my head.  They are BIBs, trust me.  Like a million followers between them, but fame has not gone to their heads.  I have found myself commenting on other BIB blogs and seriously hoping that I'll get a response from the writer! *checking email, "Oh please!  Let her say how funny my comment was and how awesome or insightful I am!!"  Going back to the blog time and again and checking comments to see if I rated their attention...

Being a BIB is like being the most popular chick in school.  She's friendly to only a few and you will do anything to get her to say "hi" to you.  Why?  Because if she acknowledges your existence, then you MUST be worth knowing, right? You know that BIB is reading your comment and thinking, "Who? Sheesh...She's only got 64 followers..."  *tosses coin  "Heads I reply, tails I basically tell her to fuck off without saying a word."  Meanwhile, I'm obsessed and losing my mind like Marissa Tomei in "What Women Want."  I'm looking through the glass at 3 a.m. waiting for my blogger to show up and tell me I'm worthy.

Rule #3--Write a book.  Or say you're writing a book.  ALWAYS mention your editor in your blog posts.  It adds to your creds...Admittedly, I have absolutely loved the books I purchased from Danny and Joeprah.  Oh I have signed up for Aunt Becky's book, too.  They are all so gotdamned funny I couldn't help it!  Plus, I count them among my faves.  But seriously?  Write a book.  That REALLY shows you are a BIB.  Unfortunately, I'm not nearly as interesting as the above mentioned folks (that I worship, let me add) so I stand very little chance of being a BIB.

Rule #4--Tweet.  And retweet.  And retweet the tweets of yours that people have retweeted.  That is, if you are worthy of being retweeted...If you are NOT retweeted, you stand no chance of being a BIB.  Ever.  You are a loser and not worthy of even looking at twitter, let alone tweeting...I was retweeted once in the past year, so I am worthy of BIBness.

And finally, rule #5--Drink lots of beer, show your boobs on Boob Emancipation and watch a shit ton of football!  Wait, that's me..And I'm not a BIB...

You will find that blogging, like life has a natural selection...