Wednesday, September 23, 2009

OK, So I'm A Bitch....

Well, this is just another random posting of things going through my head.  I think you all will be very proud to know that since my job got a little tense, I've managed to put a pseudo-muzzle on my inner voice with Tourette's.  Not completely, but I do manage to pause for a few seconds and actually think.  THAT said, I'm gonna say it on here!

OK, to the very sweet, nice lady that sits in the cube behind my desk:  Chew your chips with your fucking mouth closed!!  Do you really think I enjoy sitting here, trying to be professional and listening to you munch handful after handful of chips?  I think they're Dorito's because they do have a nice crunch to them, but I don't want to ask.  I'll just have to check your trash later.  Oh, and since you always bitch about your weight?  Stop shoving the chips in your cockholster.  Use it for just that, not a chip crusher.

Again, very sweet lady that sits in the cube behind my desk:  I do like you, I really do.  You are just the sweetest person in the world.  But you are as dumb as a fucking door knob.  You do realize that you sit in a cube in a very professional, quiet office yes?  You've been here longer than me so I thought you would figure that out.  I know you already know this.  Hell, I got into trouble my second day here because I said, "Fuck" in a closed-door meeting with one of my mentors and they heard it through the wall.  I had to go see The Woman the next day!!   You SIT IN A FUCKING CUBE, OK?  So, when you're on the phone with your bill collectors or your bank, I hear everything.  How much you're paying, how much you owe, what your balance is;  when you're on the phone with your husband, I know what's wrong with the car, what's for dinner, and who you think he's fucking.  Seriously, if you chew at home like you chew here, can you blame him??  Lastly, I'm sorry about your UTI.  I really am.  I'm also sorry that the medication is doing strange things to you.  Oh, and I'm sorry for that "little procedure" you have to have for your, well, you know--they make it uncomfortable for you to sit in your chair all day.  At least, these are things I've heard you telling your doctor's office.  You do realize that you are surrounded by four other cubes, right?  And there's two across from you.   OH!  NOW you're talking about the weather!!!  SHUT THE FUCK UP!!  Wait, wait...You're talking about the weather to your doctor's office???  Seriously?????????  What is WRONG with you???  Is it any wonder that I"m losing touch with reality here???

Speaking of losing touch with reality:  While trying to distract myself with random thoughts to escape the sounds of the cube behind my desk, I was thinking of the worst (and funniest, in retrospect) lines that I've had thrown at me at the bar.  I've had the standard, "If I said you had a beautiful body..." bullshit.  Or the, "Are you with the love police?  I think I'm under cardiac arrest!"  Which was definitely the lamest one.  But, I have two that stand out in my memory.  One pretty much worked, the other?  Not so much.  I'm sure you can figure out which one is which.

First runner up for a pick up line in a bar:  If you don't go home with me tonight, you are a fucking idiot. 

And the Grand Prize Winner:  Nice shoes, wanna fuck?

So, what are some lines you've been given?  Did they work or did you laugh your ass off???


Martie said...

Worst pick up line used on me: By a COWBOY. "You're 'bout as cute as a speckled pup pulling a little red wagon". I shit you not.

Janie Woods said...

Hey, that makes me wet!!! Wow!!

Anonymous said...

Martie thats a standard line!

The two that used to work for me and one of them I won the "worst pick up line" (2 tickets to Hank Jr.).

The best one was, go up to the victim, errr nice lady and say "Hey Sunshine you won!"
inevitibly she'd say (everybody now) "Won What?" In a surprised high pitched voice.
Darlin you won an over night sty at the ranch! Everything is paid for!

Then when they figured it out the laffed and when ever I made em laff it was pretty much hamma time!

The other one was (and it did work and win the contest)

"Load your big ass in the truck bitch"

gotta have game to score with that one!

Janie Woods said...

That's why I liked the "nice shoes, wanna fuck" line...I laughed my ass off!

Kathy B! said...

I've been off the market so long I don't even remember those days.

But I was dying laughing over that Dorito-muncher in the other cube. She sounds like a little slice of heaven.

ciara said...

i've never had pick up lines used on me, believe it or not. hmmm wonder why? lol

girl, you crack me up so much. esp w cockholster. hey i'm a bitch, too ;0)

Aunt Becky said...

I think I am in love with you.

Janie Woods said...

Ah Aunt Becky, I love you too!!

Jason said...

These demotivator posters are about as wrong as they come...

Like Tony says, "They're GRRRREAT!"

Charlie on the PA Turnpike said...

My much-better-half used a line on me!

We were friends for a few years before the idea of dating ever seriously crossed our minds (we were each seeing someone else when we met).

She said 'so, you wanna go out?'

and I said 'Who? You want to go out with me? Are you kidding???'

Without a doubt, I married up; never let anyone say otherwise.