Friday, January 9, 2009

I'm gonna live FOREVER!!!!

Before I get into the play-offs, which were nothing short of depressing (I'm now hoping for a Pitt/NY game) I have got to tell you the best news EVER!!!

I'M GOING TO LIVE FOREVER!! Let me explain:

Two days ago, scientists revealed that women with big butts have longer lifespans, are less prone to heart disease, diabetes (which I don't have to worry about anyway), and some cancers!! Women with "pear-shaped" bodies are overall healthier than those "apples" with the tummies...

So again, I'm living forever! I got so excited over the news that I stopped doing my "Buns of Steel" series! Of course, I moved to "Abs of Steel", don't want to risk being the apple/pear cobbler of the group, you know?

I got to thinking--Who needs AFLAC? I've got ASSFAT!!! I mean, my ass is like Jo-Lo's on steroids! You know! You've seen me!! Even in my slimmest, it was there like two pigs, fightin' under a blanket! So I was relieved to find out that I can stop the stairclimber and concentrate on my yoga. Whew! I'm glad to see research money is being well-spent, that's for sure. Think of how many women just did a collective sigh of relief, took what used to be their "fat" jeans (you know the ones--five years ago you put them on so you felt thin because they were a little big?) and squeezed their butts in saying, "Honey, does my butt look big in these? Be honest, seriously. No, really. Be honest. I won't hit you and you WILL get some. Come on, tell me. It does? GREAT!!!!!" It's like listening to the song "Fame" but instead of the words "Fame, I'm gonna live forever, I'm gonna learn how to fly!" you get, "Frame! I'm gonna give you whatever, I'm gonna learn how to fry!"
My dad used to say, "Babe, you got serious breedin' hips." Little did he know that science would say they made my life longer (but does raising kids negate the increase???)

I say, "Ladies UNITE!!" Our chant can be "Big Butts but No Guts!!" What'dya think? Catchy, huh?? So grow those butts, but make sure you slim those guts!

Now folks, since it's been so long I've got tons of stuff but for today I'll wrap up with the play-offs this weekend.

As you know, I'm a Seahawks fan. I also have favorite QB's throughout the league like the Manning brothers, Pennington, Brees (yes, I know he threw 17 interceptions this season but I still like him) and Palmer (his rookies just need work) to name a few. On Mother's Day last year, I received an NYG ballcap signed by Eli, Plaxico and the starting offensive line. It is also a hat that Eli took off his head to sign for my husband to give to me. That said, since none of the household teams made the play-offs, I'm hoping for a Pittsburgh/Giants Superbowl. The only team that won on wildcard weekend that I rooted for was Philly. What the hell?? San Diego (sorry Big Abe)??? Ari-freakin' ZONA? Kurt Warner is a jackass!! Of course, so is Phil Rivers. BALTIMORE????? God help us!! I've got to give Ba'mer their due though. They played hella football this year. Much better than expected, really. I would just rather have to walk through Oakland wearing a Broncos jersey than root for the Ravens.

Speaking of the Raiders, I predicted halfway through the season that that crazy jackass from Dallas, Pac-Man Jones, would be released and the Raiders would pick him up. Hell, he's got a record! That's a pre-requisite for wearing the black and silver! So, I'm halfway there. Dallas did release him a little later than I expected, and today? I'm listening to a former NFL defensive lineman on his radio show. He was posed the question, "Do you think someone will sign Jones?" His answer, "Sure, probably the Raiders." So you see? It's not just me that thinks it will happen. I also am predicting now that Al Davis will go through two more coaches in the next three seasons and they will sign Michael Vick as their starter for 2010. As for Seattle? I know they hired Mora already and I think he's gonna be great, but hey! Shanahan needs home! Now, THAT firing was a shocker but I bet that Cincinnati pounces. Although no one can replace Holmgren. That was a quick 10 years.

Anyway, I'll be watching the play-offs this weekend from the Mancave, drinkin' brews and hangin' with the man-child and his manly men brothers this weekend--the cop's on duty.

Have fun, be safe and I'll be on after we see who get's there from here!!

1 comment:

Joeprah said...

Seahawks?? What the? Go Ravens!!