Friday, November 25, 2016

Sperm Smoothies?? The World is a Strange Place

Do you remember a few years ago, when I wrote about things women do for beauty? Well, if you're new around here, or it's just been so long that you don't remember me, you can refresh yourself here. Looking, I can't believe I wrote that post nearly six years ago. Where has the time gone? Well, I'll tell you, it's gone pretty damn fast. But, it could be because I'm not drinking enough sperm smoothies!!

I'm not kidding. A model came out recently and announced that the best anti-aging superfood she's found is, you guessed it, SPERM. Listen, I know it's loaded with protein. I get it. I've even had guys try to convince me that if I want to keep my skin silky smooth and wrinkle-free, I should get sperm facials...(ba dum bum)

HOWEVER, it has never crossed my mind to have a friend masturbate and save his sperm for me to put into my morning shake. I'm not sure it would go with kale, and I would actually be concerned that the ginger in my ginger carrot juice would destroy all those healthy properties! But she swears by it, and I have to admit, she IS a model and "fitness guru." She also says that drinking sperm wards off illnesses like the flu, gives her tons of energy and keeps her very, very happy.

Oh, the places I could go with this. Let's start with the very, very happy and work backward. Well, in MY experience, when I had a "sperm smoothie," I wasn't the only one that was "very, very happy" but I was the only one that had tons of energy after. I will admit, I was sick a lot less when I was a couple, so there may be something to that.

And then there's this: "In addition to drinking her daily sperm smoothie, Tracy Kiss reportedly advocates for the use of semen face masks in order to hydrate the skin and fight conditions like rosacea." So, maybe those guys were right? My skin would have been more hydrated!!

But I am confused. While this proves that she does indeed swallow, I personally think it would be more beneficial to both sides to do it the old fashioned way, you know--get the milk straight outta the cow, but she swears she's a vegan so doesn't that mean she won't eat ANY animal protein? Can someone clarify that for me? Just curious.

Also, I really am curious as to how that conversation happens:
Her: You know, you really are my best friend..
Him: I would do anything for you (while secretly hoping to be out of the friend zone)
Her: I would really love to taste your sperm...
Him: (secretly fist pumping on the inside)  Oh, yeah??? Well, ummmm, anytime!!
Her: Great! Can you  jack off daily and put it in a cup so I can use it in my smoothies??'
Him: Uhhhhhhhh.....sure

Talk about PERMANENT friend zone!! Holy shit!!!

As for me, I'm not running out anytime soon and buying dehydrated sperm to throw in my morning shake before my boot camp, so no rush with the explanation.

It does seem you can buy it straight off the shelves, though, so maybe there's some mad marketing genius at a local sperm bank. Italian, anyone?

On another note, yesterday was Thanksgiving. Spent it at home in Savannah. Didn't go to the Low Country this trip. Maybe someday I'll make it back there. Christmas is coming, which means I need to write about crazy shit people are buying, or could buy, for Christmas. Next week, the Little Man (who's not so little anymore at 5'8 and 160lbs) and I will be in Green Bay for the game against the Texans.

But what's most important about this blog? I'm back, bitches. I've said that a 100 times before, but this time? I mean it. I deleted about 50 posts in the past two years, but I won't be deleting any more. These are my thoughts...

So, I will return more frequently. I lost my desire to write a couple years ago..I didn't see much humor in anything around me--depression and addiction will do that to a person, so will a broken heart. But, I'm finding reasons to laugh more, drink less, and be happy with what I have and where I am in life. I'm going to be a Nonna soon to a baby girl (yeah, a girl...I know..The woman in a houseful of men..Yikes) and I'm starting to get excited about it. She may wear a tutu, but she's gonna wear that bitch while playing rugby...

So, I will leave you all with this and I'll see you when I get back from the Frozen Tundra...Maybe even while I'm there...

Merry Christmas, Mac....


John said...

Yes, the old fashioned way is best for both parties!!! Love you. JMC

Anonymous said...

merry christmas