Friday, January 14, 2011

Mrs. Robinson (or What Not to Say When Hitting on a Cougar)

Hello my devoted readers!

Last week, I was reading an article about the new Denise Richards movie based on the website Cougar Life.  First, let me say I didn't know Denise Richards acted.  Or attempts to act, anyway.  What little I've seen her in doesn't make me think, "Ahhh, Academy Award in her future!"  But, that aside, my curiosity got to me and I checked out the website.

Not that I have a thing for younger guys, but the love of my life *is* younger and I adore my Mac.  He is nothing short of amazing!  So, I joined the site as my own little social experiment, with writing a blog about it in mind.

In one week, I received nearly 600 hits, and this is my profile pic:

I received comments ranging from a simple hello to, "I just viewed your profile and you are GORGEOUS!!"  Foot fetish men came out of the woodwork.  I was laughing at first, then I just felt badly about the storyline I originally had in mind.  Some of the guys seemed very nice but sooo desperate, it made me feel horrible!  I just had images of these guys, living in their mom's basement, staring at my shoe with their imagination running wild.  I even had one ask me for more shoe photos! *face palm*

So, instead of writing about the guys that are looking for an older woman on that site, I'm going to share my well of knowledge and give all of you looking for a cougar my Top Ten tips on what NOT to say or do.

10.  If there is more than a 12 year age difference, don't say age is just a number.  Honey, you're 22 hitting on a 44 year old.  Age is definitely not just a number.  I've had my driver's license longer than you've been alive.  Let's not even explore the fact that you're only four years older than my son.  *shudder* 

9.  My profile said 30 - 39.  That's 30 to 39.  That's what I was looking for.  Again, if you are 22, please don't say, "I know what you said you were looking for, but I think once you get to know me you'll change your mind."  Please bear in mind, you're talking to a Cougar.  One of the things you say you like about older women is we know what we want.  Yes, we do.  AND I WANT 30 - 39!  If you can't listen to me on that, then you won't listen to anything else...

8.  One of the best:  When I ask for a pic, please don't send me one of you with your wife.  Are you kidding??  And for God's sake, don't send me a wedding picture with your wife's face blurred.  Really?  You don't have a better pic than your wedding picture??  That's not exactly a plus with me.  You belong on Ashley Madison, not Cougar Life.  I don't think that would go over well with any woman but you never know, I guess.

7.  Don't act desperate.  You may *be* desperate, but I don't need to know that right out of the gate.  Don't ask for my phone number in the first cougar mail.  Don't send me kisses.  Try to control yourself, just for a while.  I keep thinking you're either gonna pee your pants or worse.. It's like having excited puppies jumping on me when I walk through the door.  I try not to think of the joy I gave some when I responded to their cougar mail.  The thought of what they were doing while looking at my shoe makes me need brain bleach.

6.  If you flirt with me, and I don't flirt back...don't try harder.  You didn't capture my attention the first time, you're not going to do it by flooding my mailbox.  Got it?

5.  No, I do not want to have access to your private pics.  If I did, I'd ask.

4.  Nor do I have private pics of my own that I would want to share with you.  Seriously.  Who does this?  I mean, I have to admit that when I saw the picture of your underwear my very first thought was, "Wow!  I so need to send this guy pussy shots and full nudes!"  The answer is no, so don't ask.

3.  If a woman sends you one face picture, and you keep asking for more--stop.  You sent one, she sent one.  You don't need any more than that.  You can tell what she looks like from that picture.   Next time, I'll send you my mug shot.  That should shut you the fuck up.

2.  Please understand that we are the older, "sophisticated" women you seem to be trying to attract.  We are not college chicks.  Well, I go to college but there's a distinct difference. You probably won't find us taping an episode of Playboy's Hardcore Partying 23, banging out four guys on a ping pong table in a frat house.  With that said, keep in mind that when you talk to us, you're talking to women that have probably played every game in the book, whether we wanted to or not.  We don't want to hear about your money or your car.  We don't want to hear about your sexual prowess, either.  What impresses a 20 something may be the most boring thing in the world to a Cougar.  We'll be the judge of your prowess.  And we'll be honest with you about it, too.  Maybe brutally, depending on your attitude.  And by that I mean, I may actually laugh.

1.  And finally, my number one:  Oh my fucking holy hell!  The absolute worst one...Please, please, please don't tell me the size of your manhood, let alone tell me that it's so big few woman have been able to handle it.  I threw up in my  mouth a little.  That shit may work on a 20 something, but a Cougar?  We really have no interest in your bragging about your cock.  This one seriously said, "Most women think they want a big cock until it gets down to it and I undo my pants.  Their eyes grow big and they back away.  I've only had one or two that could actually take it all in."  FOMCLMAO  Seriously, dude.  If that's the truth, your 23 year old studly ass should be in porn, not a 'self-employed' contractor.  And no, that doesn't mean I want to find out.

So, there you have it.  Actually, these tips aren't just for a website, maybe a few of you could use them in real life dating scenarios, too. 

And, since I couldn't decide between these two posters, I added both.

Yeah, I'm gonna have nightmares for fucking weeks after seeing this...I thought "IT" by Stephen King was bad...OMG

And then we have:

Oh yeah, you laughed....


IT (aka Ivan Toblog) said...

Yeah, I did laugh... and peed a little, too. ;-)

Karl said...

Good afternoon Janie,

No actually, I didn't. I don't envy you, your position. Nor can I imagine receiving any sort of responses like that. Have you send these to Letterman? Perhaps he could get the message out "don't be an asshat".

Anonymous said...

You should post this up to an advice column for the young guys looking for Cougars...

Love the red shoe pic...