Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Merry Christmas!!

Yes, my dear followers, it's time for my quarterly post!  Every week I tell myself, "I'm going to write about this and that this weekend."  But alas!  It never fails...I don't.  But, Mac has been telling me (yes, Mac) to write.  Every time I bring it up to him, he says, "I'll be looking for that blog post this weekend!!" 

So, here I am.  Free writing my blog.  I guess with Christmas upon us, there are tons of things to write about.  Let me start by saying I can add "Ferret" to the list of reasons for perpetual motion in my house.  Yes, a fucking ferret.  Birthday present to Prodigal from his high school sweetheart...Nice.  Drives the already neurotic Shepherd fucking nuts...Chico the Wonder Dog is terrified of her, and Tiny?  He just chases her all over the place.  The world's most unfriendly cat, however?  Garth is obviously a chew toy for the weasel.  *head desk*  Help.me.

So. Christmas is upon us once again and far too quickly this year.  Middle, Little and I are headed to the Low Country and Savannah on Monday.  I can't wait!!  My dream country...

ANYway, as I sat at the computer tonight, exhausting myself with shopping, I came across the *best* website!  Hammacher Schlemmer!  Have you ever seen it??  Well, let me tell you, if you have thousands of dollars to spend on What The Fuck, Why? gifts this is the place for you!!  They make Brookstone look like target!

So, onto my Top Ten What The Fuck, Why? Gifts from H.S.

10)  The 20-Foot Animatronics Triceratops!  Now, this is filed under "The Unexpected."  Thanks for stating the fucking obvious...I would probably shit a brick if I woke up to this thing in my front yard.  Billed as, "Seen in museums all over the world, this 20' long animatronic triceratops responds to onlookers with lifelike reactions and fortissimo bellowing. It sways its tri-horned head right, left, up, and down, stomps and scuffs its right forelimb, and opens its jaws while growling." Ummm, well....that would keep those fucking meat-in-the-back-of-my-truck salesmen away, not to mention Christmas carolers and trick or treaters... Price?  Only $350,000

09) Your own, personal submarine!!  This is the two-person submersible that can descend to a depth of 1,000'. Providing access to underwater features such as coral reefs, shipwrecks, and the sea floor, a completely transparent, climate-controlled 3 1/4"-thick acrylic pressure sphere keeps explorers safe while dipping even into the mesopelagic zone, offering a chance to see exotic, bioluminescent species such as lanternfish.
Wow...Now *that* is what every household needs!!  I live near the water!  I should really get this!!  Cost?  Only a palsy $2M!!  Again, this was filed under "The Unexpected."  What would be unexpected would be to know someone who actually has $2M.  And if I knew them, I certainly would have better things to spend their money on than a fucking submarine...

08)  If you have gotten tired of hearing, "I really, really want to learn to play the Ukulele..." then *this* is the gift for you...Filed under, "The Only", you can get the Learn To Play The Ukulele set!! It comes complete with rosewood Ukulele (tuned to Tiny Tim soprano, of course) AND added instructional DVD.  It's a steal at only $149.99...What I really want to know is, how did they get the corner market on *this*??

07) And if you don't feel you're paying your dentist enough, try this for the kids!  The Only Gumball Foosball!! This is the only foosball game that is played with chewable gumballs. Gumball machines atop each goal send the bubblegum onto the pitch, allowing players to engage in rapid table soccer with tasty confection. After each goal, the gumball is dispensed from the side of the table as a reward for the goal scorer's superior foosball skills.  So, if you never tire of lost gumballs under your sofa or chewed gum in your carpet from some rude, visiting little brat, or even better--the sounds of your sons winging giant gumballs at each other, I highly recommend splurging the $1500 for this gem of a gift.

06) Why go spend $17,000 on a boat when you can have this??  The Skier Controlled Tow Boat!!  I saw this and thought, "That is one waterskier with absolutely no.friends."  And why *would* he have any??  It's not like he can take them boating on the weekend....

05) Gentlemen, is the wife (or girlfriend) complaining of "office ass"?  Has she reached that age where she can't sit and eat crap at her desk all day and still burn it off?  Fuck that diamond bracelet she wants, or the new furniture, or even the weekend spa getaway for some possible vagina steaming!  THIS is what she really wants!  The Elliptical Machine Office Desk!  Nothing says, "Yes, honey, your ass *does* look big in those jeans" like giving her this bad boy!  Trust me...She'll love it...You may not get any for a while, however it will be $8,000 well spent, no?

04) Not enough toys in the house now that the kids are grown?  Well, ladies, just for him!  The Advanced Acrobatic Robot. Not every man drinking beer in your carport is going to have one of *these*, I guarantee it!!  And what a bargain at $2500.  Just save up your beer and Marlboro money for a couple months, that should easily cover pleasing him with this!

03)  Now, are you tired of taking that three year old on hiking trips?  Having to lug him or her in that gawd awful backpack?  Well, here is the answer to your prayers!  The All Terrain Dually Tricycle !!  Oh.Yeah.  You can take that kid anywhere now.  Just fork out $300 and the Appalachian Trail will be a breeze!!

02) Do the kids need to spend more time with their grandparents?  Do they need to see that grandma and grandpa really know how to have fun and enjoy life?  Well then, the Regulation Size Shuffleboard Court is just what you need to start that bonding process now!  Your kids will thank you for showing them how fun a senior's Caribbean cruise will be when they're fucking 80...All this happiness and joy can be yours for $1700.

01) Well, admittedly, I kinda went a little early with the submarine, but although this doesn't cost as much?  It's about as fucking useful and likely that you'll buy it.  Knowing how much you like inflatable Christmas decorations, I saw this and thought immediately of you...  It's a steal at $350. Can I have it? 

Now, they *do* have some downright awesome things..Like the 50' snowball launcher...Which is going to piss off some older brothers in my house...*evil grin*

Well, my beautiful followers...That's all for tonight.  I hope to make it back here more often.  I've had some really funny fucking things happen lately!  Remind me to tell you next time!

For now, I'll leave you with this: 

Merry Christmas, to you and yours!! 


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