Friday, December 31, 2010

My Vagina Needs Steamed

Yep, thought that would get your attention...

Holy shit!  So, I'm innocently reading my old posts when I came across this gem from the past.  Do you remember, when you were a kid, sitting down to dinner and listening or seeing the commercial for douches?  It never failed, as soon as you sat down to eat, a Summer's Eve commercial would come on.  Some chick asking her mom how she stays fresh.  Now, I don't know about you other women out there, but I *never* asked my mom about her vag cleansing habits.  I never asked, "Mom, how do *you* stay so fresh??"  As a matter of fact, the mere thought of asking that makes me want to vomit in my mouth a little.  No, fuck that.  ALOT.  I don't want to know what kind of douche she used or if she even did.  I would have never wanted to know anything about my mom involving her nether-regions.  Never. 

Well, that said,  I have a new ad that you're gonna love:

(cut to the beach--OBX North Carolina, in fact.  Breezy, a young woman and her mother, dressed in white, walking arm and arm)

Mother:  What's the matter, dear? You just seem so quiet today.
Daughter:  Oh mom, I didn't want to talk about it.  But Timmy thinks that I, ummm, taste bad.  He refuses to go down on me!  I waxed off the snatchfro, but it hasn't helped!  I was wondering, how do I keep myself fresh??

(soft laughter, puts her arm around her shoulder and hugs her)

Oh, dear.  Haven't I ever told you my secret?  I steam my vagina once a week!  Your father loves it, too!

(fade to sunset)

Yes folks, the latest bizarre thing that women are doing in, shocking I know, California is vagina steaming.  You heard it here first!  Vagina steaming....The article starts out, "A pungent steam fills the air."  Well, I'll fucking bet!  You got 30, 40 women's bare vags airing out!  And you *know* there's at least ONE snatchfro in the room.  That one chick who doesn't trim.  And she probably went there straight from the gym without showering.  Get the picture?

It's called chai yok.  It's from Korea.  And they swear by it.  And don't feel left out, guys!  You can steam your "perineal" area.  This, to me, give you all the more reason to say, "Lick my sweaty ballsack" and mean it!  Of course, now you'd have to say, "Lick my steamy ballsack. All this fun ranges anywhere from $20 - $75 "a squat."  Or, if you don't want to squat over a pot in a spa, you can purchase your own home vag/ballsack steaming kit for $300 online!  What a fucking bargain!!  So if you want to vag steam, just click that link.

So, this got me curious..I had heard something about bird poop facials and was wondering if its true. Holy shit, no pun intended.  They are called Geisha Facials.  My first thought was, "Ah, that's what makes their faces white!"  Well, actually my first thought was, "Well, I like a good facial, but not with bird poop, thank you very much.." And my type turn your face white, too! 

ANYway...Nightengale poop is apparently imported from Japan and fully sanitized by ultraviolet light and powdered.  It was also used by the original Kabuki.  Now, I'm curious how the Kabuki sanitized it.  It states they learned that Nightengale droppings didn't just remove make-up, but healed their skin.  OK, I have got to know:

Who's bright idea was it to use birdshit as make-up remover?  How do you come up with *that* idea?  Accidentally getting shit on and noticing your Kabuki make-up runs right off?  Or better still, who was the first lucky fucking person that had shit smeared all over their face while hearing, "Trust me, you're going to look beautiful after this..."??  And I know what you're wondering, "Where can I get one of those?" At this spa, you can have the wonderful treat of getting shit spread all over your face for only $180!!  Hey, I've got Nightengales...I'll nuke that shit, put in my mortar and pestal, crush it up and charge you $20.  Save lots of money for the same effect.

It scares me to think of what we women, and some men too, do out of vanity.  What we pay for to try and look younger.  I thought dying my hair was pushing the limit...Gesu.  But at least I know my hair dye isn't made of bird shit.   At least, I hope not.

So, the next time you're not feeling fresh or you've got bags under your eyes and want to look young again...Why don't you treat yourself to a steamy vag and bird shit facial?  Take him along to get his ball sack freshy steamed, too!  Hey, wait, will that take the wrinkles out?  Never mind..What the hell, make a day out of it! Go crazy!

So to wind up my last post of 2010, I have these for you:

If you plan on drinking a shit ton of tequila and waking up not remembering her name....

And, since we all eat ham on New Year's Day, you can't forget the

The Penis ham.  What would New Year's Day be like without the penis ham???
Happy New Year to you all and yours.  Happy New Year to mine.  Happy New Year to my Mac, the most.  You made my year, oh so amazing. 


GunDiva said...

Um, ouch. Steam is hot - come from boiling water. Ain't no one putting boiling water near my nether regions.

Thanks for the lesson in things that I'll never do :)

Have a happy new year!

Anonymous said...

This was some great shit! Thanks. Those old douche commercials were pretty funny. The penis ham is pretty cool too...

Karl said...

Happy new year Janie,

Well, if you don't open a salon, perhaps you have a future in advertising.

As far as I'm concerned steam is definitely out. Have you ever been an engine room?

Janie Woods said...


Happy New Year to you! As a matter of fact, I started my career in engineering...Two years in the bilges...

Janet - Cruiser said...

I hope that everyone has a great year in 2011!

M... said...

I think I woke up the neighbors laughing at this post.

Frank Subtle Ly said...

You are a creative writer, missy!!

Love from all,
~Frank et al

nonononono said...

Stop the "snatch-fro" hate, cuz your ignorance is showing.
The pubes actually help preserve that all important natural moisture of the vagina, this protects the GOOD bacteria, that can combat the bad bacteria which is what causes bad smells. When you shave & rinse then you are drier which kills the good bacteria so the bad can grow.
Simply put: a shaved snatch is drier & smellier than an unshaven one.

Anonymous said...

Hahaha someone loves their snatchfro - no way it's less smelly. How about a sniff off?

Janie Woods said...


Umm, no thanks. Not exactly something I'm into. And I think your obsession with a nearly two year old post is a little strange, to say the least.