Monday, May 10, 2010

Top Ten Reasons Why I Hate Facebook


I posted this about nine months ago.  I felt the urge to post it again considering how my Monday started.  Seriously.  MONDAY.  Monday is a whore and I'm convinced of it more and more each and every week.

I log into Facebook this morning and see that I have X-number of unread emails.  As I'm going through them, I see a somewhate familiar name. Wilma.  I know several Wilmas but this one seemed more than familiar.  Could it be because it's the cop's ex wife??  FRIENDING ME on FACEBOOK??  RUFKM??  Sending me messages?  This is the woman that I had to deal with for over a year, calling my house and work, day and night, cussing me out, threatening my life.  This bitch stalked me for nearly two years.  Now she wants to be FRIENDS?  Why, so she can kill me in my sleep???  I finally got her to stop when she threatened me over my work phone.  It was at this point I asked her, "Aren't you a Filipino National?"  Yes, was the reply.  "So, let me get this straight, you are issuing a terrorist threat to a member of the U.S. Military on a government monitored phone line???  Really?"  That was the last time she called my work. That response was due to a great FBI agent friend of mine who said I should charge her with extortion.  So, yeah....She tracked me down on Facebook.  Thank God FB doesn't show where I really live...Just the general location.  She's one of the reasons for that...So, for those of you that haven't read this before or would just like a refresher, here it is!!

I actually dreamed about this last night.  I mean, I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about Facebook!  Facebook?  Seriously??  I have nothing better than to dream about?  There has GOT to be better subjects like, oh I don't know...My biology class, maybe?  I spent six hours yesterday doing chemistry experiments in my kitchen, you would think THAT'S what I would dream of.  Nope.  Facebook.  Which leads me to my Top Ten reasons to hate facebook. 

10)  It really gives cyberstalking a whole new meaning.  I was cool with old friends looking me up.  But I started getting leery when skeletons started opening closet doors.  Hey, think about this:  I haven't contacted you in 25 years.  Do you think there's a fucking reason??  Why on Earth would you think that after I moved 3600 miles away from you, haven't even sent a Christmas card or a "what's up" when email and Google were invented, do you think I want to hear from you now?  Well, those hints didn't work so now I have to be a real bitch and "ignore" your friend request.  Fuck.  I think the final straw came when the ex-wife of an ex-boyfriend hunted me down like a rapid dog and was like, "Hey!  Remember me??  How ARE you????"  like we were long lost pals.  Never mind that after 17 years, we somehow wound up living 40 miles apart and are planning on doing lunch....

09)  Mafia Wars, Vampire Wars, Farmtown, blah blah blah.  OK, I admit it.  They were fun.  Well, not so much farmtown, but Mafia and Vampires were ok.  WERE is the operative word.  I played when I was bored and couldn't figure out what else to do with my life.  But, after a couple of months I realized, "Hey!  There's no prize for coming in first!  And this game NEVER FUCKING ENDS!!!"  Ok folks, for the love of God!  PLEASE stop gifting me.  If I don't log in for one day, I have around 1000 gift requests.  It is soooo bad that leaving the Navy/Air Force game on Saturday (which, by the way , was the BEST football game I have EVER attended--more later) one of my "friends" saw me and said, "Hey!  I sent you a gift on Mafia Wars!  I really need the dragon sculpture.  Do you have one?"  Dude, seriously?  Now??  I'm heading to a tailgater to drink beer before going home and drinking MORE beer!  I'll get right on THAT request.  Where are people's priorities???

08)  Photo tagging.  Please stop.  Why do you insist on posting the worst photo of me ever taken in the history of my life and then tagging me?  If you do it again, I will hunt you down, tie you up and take a picture of you in uncomfortable poses with an assortment of adult toys.  I mean it, just don't.

07) Causes.  It's great that you want to stop the goats eating the daffodils in Bumfuck, Iowa.  I respect that, but joining a "cause" on Facebook isn't going to get it done.  Sending money?  That might help.  So please, stop inviting me to join.  I already give my time and money to my causes of choice.

06)  Quizzes.  I already know that I know more than you so stop challenging me.   'Nuf said.

05)  The even more gift requests like, "Suzie just sent you some Hollywood glitter!  Give her glitter back!!"  No.  I don't like glitter. I don't want glitter.  I want nothing TO DO with glitter, even virtually.  How retarded are you??  You're soooo bored that you send virtual glitter??? Get a life.

04)  Virtual drinks.  Again, admittedly, I have sent these.  But I send them to people that I can't buy drinks for because they live the required 3000 miles from me.  If you live within driving distance?  Just buy me a round on Friday, you fucking tease.

03)   Wifes and girlfriends.  I gotta pick on the ladies here because it's nauseating.  Really nauseating. I'm talking I throw up in my mouth a little when I read your posts--on your man's facebook page.  Quit it.  Seriously.  Quit.  No man writes cutesy crap on your page so stop.  And if he does?  It's because he's tired of you bitching at him that he never writes on your facebook.  I mean, he would like to get laid and have you shut the fuck up for a few minutes, too.  That's a bonus.  If you are soooo insecure that you have to comment on every status update he makes and every picture he posts, you've got issues.  PLUS, you obviously can't keep your fucking mouth shut about anything!!  "Honey, I'm sorry you were vomiting the entire weekend and spent the football game on the toilet with diarrhea.  I'm just glad I was there to take care of you."  Or, "My husband is so hot, isn't he Julie??  We are debating nicknaming him McHotty or McDreamy...*sigh"  One thing to post it on your page, no one who would give him non-stop shit looks at your page! (well, except me but you keep ignoring my friend request) Stop.It.Now. 

02)  Relatives.  I know who my relatives are.  Quit telling me to add more. Have you ever thought that I stopped the list when I did for a reason?  Huh?  Did you?  FUCK!!!

And my number one reason for hating Facebook?

That shit is addicting.

20 comments:

Andrew Green said...

I totally agree. I can't stand Facebook for many of the same reasons.

Martie said...

I detest Facebook. I hate the games. I hate the "you might want to add..." I even sorta hate the people who are on my friends list...they all are from my High School (circa 1986), and I hated High School.

Janie Woods said...

Martie: LOL Ironically, today I had a chick that I totally HATED in high school want to add me to her "best friends" list..WTF? Do you even remember who I am?? I only accepted her friend request because we went to high school together and I wanted her to see that yeah, I actually left Podunk and succeeded while she's still there sleeping with any cowboy around.

Deborah said...

I think I spewed pepsi about six times and I KNOW I peed myself laughing! The damnable thing is addicting, and I play the stupid farm game for God's sake-I get sick of the fishbowl and glitter and zoo and flower crap too...and posting hideous old photos? Don't get me started! Have you heard the girl doing the facebook song on youtube? Look it up and watch it you'll laugh yourself silly! I believe it's called Are you fucking kidding me? or something...hysterical! Thanks for your post it was a scream!
Deborah

Steven Anthony said...

agreed! you made me laugh so hard I fell out of my chair!

Southern Sage said...

heheheehehehhehe LOL I'm glad I never let twitter or FB get me hooked!

Janie Woods said...

Deborah: Glad to make you laugh! Now, go change your thong and wipe off your chair.

Steven: I hope you didn't get hurt. Facebook me and let me know, k?

Sage: I tweet, I facebook, I blog, I myspace, I text...I need help. But, I'm trying to increase my intelligence as often as possible! (;

Peterson Family said...

Great post! I have added "friends of friends" and then realized why they weren't my actual, for realz friends and un-friended them. One of them sent me another friend request and a message of "Why did you un-friend me?" I haven't responded to either one of them. Yikes! Facebook really is a stalkers paradise!

Chris said...

I never tried Facebook or MySpace. Basically, I don't want all of my high school buddies to know what a loser I turned out to be! Great post!

Danielle said...

This is too funny. I did a post on why I LOVE Facebook. Maybe I shouldn't admit that here. :)

Tom Sauer said...

It is my sad, sad duty to report that if facebook ended today, I don't know what the fuck I'd do with myself. Pathetic, right?

SupahMommy said...

that was too fucking funny

so funny in fact.. i think i'll send you a round of drinks on FB with a side of virtual glitter.

and the women/ husband shit.

i deleted my husband long ago.
we are not facebook friends.

xoxoxo

Something Happened Somewhere Turning said...

That is some funny sh!t. I've wanted to do a post like this for a while, but I couldn't come up with enough stuff because I'm not a big user. I laughed my ass off.
Thank you Janie. You nailed it.

Shell said...

That totally gave me the best laugh of my day so far!

Jennifer Brindley said...

AWESOMENESS.

Yeah, virtual glitter... that almost made me pee myself. I couldn't agree more.

You rock.

~Jenn (Ex Hot Girl)

Chibi Jeebs said...

WORD. Sadly, I'm stuck at reason #1...

Oh, and I'm relentless about culling my list every six months or so. Mua ha haaa

Becca @ The Texas Darlings said...

Too funny! Thanks for visiting my blog and giving me this link!!

~Becca

Aunt Becky said...

Bwahahaha! My friend started this Facebook group: All Your Facebook Petitions Aren't Worth Catshit in a Bag.

It's so true.

And this? This is brilliance.

Hubman said...

Did you know you can block Farmville, Mafia Wars, etc updates from appearing without de-friending whoever is playing the game? Mouse over the update and "Hide" will appear in the upper right corner of the update- click on that and you can block seeing updates from anyone who plays that game.

Janie Woods said...

Hubman, yes dear, I know but that wouldn't make for a very fuuny post, would it?