Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Bad Drivers, Slow Walkers and Stupid People

When I was in the military, one of my collateral duties was teaching diversity. I used to start the class by asking, "Is anyone here prejudiced?" NO ONE would raise their hand but me. To horrified stares and uncomfortable squirming. I would call them out! If you tell me you're not prejudiced, then you're a liar. Plain and simple--a big, fat, namby pamby liar. Your pants are on fire and you're hanging from a telephone wire.

We all have prejudices. You know what mine are? Bad drivers, slow walkers and stupid people. Oh, let's not forget bad mothers, but that blog will be a whole 'nother issue all together.

Let's start with bad drivers. When I'm cruising down the street, laid back in the lacrosse mom mini-van, with my mind on my money and my money on my mind (or lack thereof) I don't get very aggressive. Well ok, sometimes I do. But put me in the manly man truck and set me free on the road? I'm a whole different person. I want to take my truck and run over the baby blue Prius in front of me doing 50 in the left hand lane when the speed limit is 65. I want to live out Kathleen Turner in War of the Roses. I really just want to mount machine guns on my hood.

My two favorite drivers? Oh, number one is the guy that's doing 80 in the left lane and realizes that his off-ramp is HERE as he swerves across all three lanes and the median between the ramp and the freeway. All you see are brake lights and swerving vehicles as this clown gets his exit. Number two is the person that is 20 car-lengths behind the nearest vehicle, doing the speed limit and BRAKES. "Why the FUCK are you braking????" I usually scream at them. If I didn't have a police sticker and a Marine Corps license plate, I would probably ram them. I would probably cut them off, force them off the road and completely lose my mind. Now, I'm NOT condoning road rage, but I definitely understand it. Especially given the time I spend commuting on a daily basis--anywhere from two to fours hours daily.

Oh wait!! There's a third favorite!! The gotdamned guy that you can't get around. When you do, he speeds up and passes you, pulls in front of you and slows down. He (or she) is right there with the person that you go to pass and they speed up. They speed up to the point where you're behind another car and then they slow down and pin you in. That's usually when the manly man truck DOES come in handy. If you look in your rearview from your Prius and you see nothing but my bumper, normally you move over. While on vacation, I had some bitch in a car riding my ass all the way up the Manashtash outside of Yakima. I mean ON MY ASS. I move over, she passes me. About two miles later, she slows down and I pass her (still in the right lane). She speeds up and passes me. Now, my cruise control is on so it's not like I'm pursuing her. Three miles later, same story except we notice this time she's on the damn phone. I pass her. She speeds up, passes me and flips me off!! Really?? I'm on cruise control and YOU'RE mad that I passed you??? Oh, one more time. She gets on the phone and slows down. I pass her again. Of course, I gunned it and never saw her the rest of the trip. Now THAT'S irritating.

On to slow walkers. I belong to a group on FB called, "I secretly want to punch slow walking people in the back of the head." Now, I'm not talking about people that can't walk fast and I don't think everyone should be a speed walker. But people, when you're out running your pie hole with your friends or just window shopping by yourself, be a dear and have some situational awareness!! Look around once in a while. If you see a line of people behind you like you're the fucking Pied Piper, move your fat ass to one side, will ya? I always picture bad walkers driving. Hey, walking a sidewalk is like a road....You stay to the right, dammit! If you're with a gagglefuck of your friends and you see two people coming toward you, get in line like the two people just did-don't act like they just parted the waters for you or are moving out of your royal path. Jesus! Have some common sense and decency!! One more thing: DON'T CUT AROUND CORNERS!! Nothing more irritating than staying on your side of the path and coming face to face with someone cutting the corner. Look, you may actually burn some calories walking that extra three feet to your right and we all need to do that, right?

Now I should probably make stupid people it's own blog, but I won't. There are just too many of them in the world. I'm not talking dumb, you can teach dumb. You just can't teach stupid. Having spent a good deal of time as an instructor, I'll let you in on a little known secret....there IS such a thing as a stupid question. And this is coming from a BLONDE!!! I'm not a secretary by trade, it's just the job I happened to get when I retired. Of course, I'm not JUST a secretary, the term is "Executive Assistant." Oooooh, do you feel the power? I work for people with Ph.D's and Master's Degrees. I work for people that are "smart" and "educated" but can't figure out how to hit the power button on a gotdammed remote control for a television. I kid you not! They're done with a VTC and "need help" turning the TV off. Shoot me. I watched two people yesterday trying to figure out how to fold a cardboard storage box--while looking at the directions. It was, in Patches O'Houlihan's immortal words, like watching two monkeys trying to fuck a football. I tried not to laugh out loud. I mean, I really tried. I just shook my head, looked away and pretended to work. Holy shit. Again, these are the people that are probably driving home the same time as I am and can't figure out that the big sign that says, "No left turn" means just that, yet they sit on Constitution holding up an entire lane of traffic because they're too stupid to read the sign.

Well, thanks for letting me rant. I'm worked up now so I'm going to go change and go for a run. I'll bet you any amount of money that as I exit the locker room in my running gear, some stupid person is going to ask one of two questions: "Are you going to go for a run?" or "Oh, are you going to go work out?" Since I wear suits to work, my first response is usually something like, "No actually, I just decided not to dress appropriately for work anymore." Or maybe just look at them and not say anything.

Yes, everyday is an adventure in trying to keep from slapping the living shit out of someone and just keep smiling and nodding knowingly.


ciara said...

this post had me in stitches cos i know EXACTLY how you feel. i have some stories of my own lol so ranting got you even more worked up? lol i would run to get rid of aggression, but i can't run & i hate it. hehe

Brian H said...

Awesome. Two thoughts.

1. I am glad there are other people like me out there. I am a kind, compassionate, level headed guy...until I am on the road with asshat motorists or I am in a large crowd. We should form a club.

2. The name of that FB group is priceless.

Great post! Just don't go postal someday...this would certainly be exhibit A! :-)

Andrew's Daddies said...

AWESOME! You had me cracking up!!!! I always feel like it's my job to teach all the bad drivers a lesson on how to drive. Sometimes I choose a hand gesture to show what they did was wrong, sometimes I think they are too stupid and I should lower my window and give them "a look".

I keep telling calm down..I've gotten better but still need improvement.

Jason said...

I'm a slow driver but a fast walker...go figure. I can't stand having to slow down so my family can catch up. It killed me going to the mall when my wife was pregnant.

I'm totally with you on stupid people!

Daddy Files said...

Nice Guns!

Don't forget the "blue hairs," which is the name I've bestowed upon elderly drivers. They are senile and slow, but they think they've earned the right to drive however and wherever they want. And they drive Lincoln Town Car tanks.

BellaDaddy said...

Dang, you said ALL I wish I had...good going!

Joeprah said...

Shitting on the Constitution is a little heavy handed description of a bad driver, but I will accept it. This was hilarious. That crazy broad driving all whack would feel my wrath. That drives me nuts too. LMAO stuff here.

The Devoted Dad said...

LMAO-Guns. The walkers- I feel that way atleast a couple times a week. I mean- come on group of 7 people walking side by side, you think I should turn my body and step aside to let you all by- Oh, now you've go me started! It's contagious! -Jason

PJ said...

That's awesome. I despite bad drivers too, unfortunately there are far too many of them here in NC. I be sure to let them know, even though my wife likes to remind me that they can't hear me. At least I've said it and it makes me feel better.

One of these days I'm going to purchase a '68 impala and just ram every little car (Prius' especially) that cut me off or just do something stupid. I figure I can get to the SC border before I'm caught, but it would feel soooo good.

Anonymous said...

LMAO. I completely agree with you on all of these! The slow-ass drivers in the left lane really get the Yankee out in me-I start yelling at them in my car, no matter who is with me. :)

The Cynic said...

Oh man, are you and I a lot alike! Like me, you were in the military, and you also hate assholes! Great post! I almost pissed my pants. I think your blog might be the next one to get an awesome review on my blog, if that's OK. Maybe next week, because I just did two. Love this blog!

yoga ninja mama said... *thud*